Thursday
11Mar2010
Thursday
04Mar2010
097
Thursday, March 4, 2010 i am stronger than i look and more fragile than you think.
(original photo by duke, crop and processing by me)
when i was a little girl, our backyard was filled with tall towering trees. i was a scrappy little thing with pigtails and scuffed knees and i loved nothing more than to climb as high as the branches would support me and sit up on top of the world dreaming in spaces of green. i still have pigtails and scuffed knees but my tree climbing skills are seriously out of practice and i may have to rectify that this summer.
i have been taking this amazing course, your courageous year because sometimes no matter how strong and capable we seem to the world at large, no matter how many brave steps we might have taken over the years, no matter how many wonderful things we accomplish, there is sometimes a lot of insecurity and negative self talk that can happen. sometimes its nice to have help along the way and sometimes its nice to meet new people that become part of your supportive community.
it can be hard work this living true to yourself, your deep down true self and it can be difficult to release your heart to the universe and trust that you are creating the stories about yourself and your life that best serve you.
i had a moment a week ago now, it was a powerful moment, a realization about something and so i declared it in what has become a safe place for me to express my truths as i discover them. i wanted to also share it here because i think there is power in the sharing,
"i am declaring ... that i was scared of success BUT for most of my life, i have been building a strong foundation of successful experiences and i am going to continue doing so recognizing that while the learning curve around leaning into success intimidates the girl that i was, when i recognize the pattern, i can embrace all my previous successes and acknowledge that i am worthy of more."
its easy for me to revert to the stories in my head, the memories of all that shames me still and makes me feel less than who i am. its much harder for me to acknowledge all the wonderful work i have done and to honour that in a way that honours me. but i'm working on it and figuring some stuff out.
i know that i want to live with integrity and intention. i want to be present in this and every moment that i am blessed with and so i am making changes, overhauling my life, following my dreams and learning how to work through the fears that i have held onto for far too long.
i won't lie to you, its uncomfortable and sometimes feels incredibly painful and there is a young girl inside my heart who is fragile and has been told she is unworthy and held down while she bleeds out her pain too many times to completely believe the truth, the truth that the birdcage has opened up her heart to the universal truth that she is beautiful and talented and worthy of the life she creates.
peace.
*also, check out a story of me, a guest post i was so happy to do on creative everyday
Monday
01Mar2010
096
Monday, March 1, 2010 i have always had a lot of canadian pride but its always been a sort of quiet pride for this vast country that i live in. my mother was american when she gave birth to me, my father canadian. later that year, my mother made the decision to become canadian, the very same decision i would have to make before i turned 21. my options at the time were to become american or remain canadian, only one or the other, i couldn't be both.
it was actually a really hard decision because all the places i thought i wanted to live were across the border but when i listened to my heart, i knew. i am canadian. period. i didn't really know what that meant and after taking a few university sociology classes on canadian identity, i realized that it didn't appear to be an easy answer and it would have appeared that we mostly seemed to define ourselves by what we weren't.
what i do know is that i am not the only one who lives in this country whose heart carries a fierce pride and loyalty to the maple leaf that graces our red and white flag and to the diversity and wide open spaces that find us braving frozen winds and sitting in melting hot springs while fishing off the end of piers and dancing in city bright lights.
this pretty much sums it up,
i get teary watching it and can say with all sincerity, i am most definitely proud to be canadian.
❚❤❚
Thursday
25Feb2010
095
Thursday, February 25, 2010 
link love:
* this amazing talk by jamie oliver
"in the past month, i have continued to eat healthy organic whole foods, choosing to spend some lovely time in my kitchen. i am still counting calories and drinking green smoothies and in the past month, i have lost 12 pounds. i feel great and have more energy than ever before. the only food that makes it into my house is certified organic and pasture raised, my milk comes in glass bottles and i buy as much local as i can in this climate. i thought this was going to end up costing us a lot more but the truth of the matter is, we are actually spending less money on food because we are eating less, we are not eating out at all and everything tastes so much better"
*yummy superman salad
"while it is definitely not all salads over here, i have made this one and it is yummalicious"
*fantastic instructions on making a handmade book
"making this is on my list of things to do in the next few months. i am going to fill it with photos and poem snippets of my friendships."
"i've been writing for a new site filled with all kinds of wonderful writers, this article talks about my awkward beginnings and a GIVEAWAY for a copy of 'lanterns' ~ go comment for a chance to win, that would make me super happy ... contest closes on saturday at midnight (mtn time) and the winner will be announced on sunday, february 28th."
*such a delicate beautiful redbud
"i love the mix of scanning artwork and real objects and think i am adding this to the ever long list of things to play with."
Tuesday
16Feb2010
094
Tuesday, February 16, 2010 lately i've been feeling very alice,
(sx-70 / artistic tz / photo by the lovely and talented maddie)
a couple of weeks ago, i commented to a colleague as we were entering down into the tunnels that connect many parts of downtown and lead to the LRT (light rail transit) that in all my experiences, with all my education, there was actually only one book that prepared me for my working life. Alice in Wonderland because most days up is down and i am continually expanding and finding myself so small i am afraid i might fall through the cracks in the radiator.
the other night, i was walking home from the swimming pool, the air from my breathe floating above me in tiny puffs as i crunched through the snowy sidewalk marveling at how white everything was and then i saw him, monsieur lapin. a snow white rabbit, one of the biggest that i've seen in a long time right in the middle of the road. he looked back at me and seemed to wink before tippy tappying on his way. then he would stop and look back at me and as i continued to walk, he continued to tippy tappy down the road. the world changed and became even more surreal for those few blocks walked, the snow seemed to sparkle under the pools of light of the streetlamps and my breath seemed to hang for a moment longer than normal. eventually i turned off down my street and monsieur lapin continued on after briefly stopping and waiting for an alice that needed to return home to the warm yellow comfort of her reality.
i must confess i feel like alice more often than not as i tumble around a life filled with twinkle lights, scented tea lights and pots of painted words. purple hangings threaded with gold as i lean my head on a chartreuse thought and smile at the glow of your words.
i am in this place of strange transition yet again. i wonder if a good life is one that is spent in transition or is it just mine?
i eat the magic mushroom and try on a new coloured coat as i wander around in yesterday's braids and another day where i forget to put on make-up. i get mistaken for a student and the last time i went out and actually ordered a drink, i was carded. its all so ridiculous as my son is often mistaken for my brother or i am often mistaken for his sister and then once corrected they wonder if i was a teenage mom. i am grateful for it all but wonder if it means i will never find the middle ground of being grown up and i will go from adolescence straight onwards to the eccentricity of old age.
my head is in the clouds. my feet are routed into the earth. i change my mind as many times as i change my clothes and i have a hard time with absolutes.
i am feeling very alice as i give my gifts to the sea,
(sx-70 / artistic tz / photo by the lovely and talented maddie)
and i wait for the day when the cheshire cat winks at me again before i blow out the candle. goodnight.