a couple of months ago, i bought some holga photograph cards from the lovely bella.

her beautiful images make my heart beat just a little bit faster.  i really wanted to purchase a print but i was saving money for my big trip so i couldn't really afford it at the time.  this image of hers really speaks to my heart ... there is something so joyful and hopeful about it and it lifts my heart everytime i look at it.  there is something about it that reminds me that following my dreams brings me closer to myself, the joyful self that lives deep inside my core.  it reminds me of that day when i was 12 years old and i wrote a list in one of my notebooks, a list of all my outrageous dreams, the dreams of things i wanted to do, a list i found when i was in university and marvelled at how much of those dreams had come true and how they didn't seem outrageous at all.  one of those dreams was to be a lifeguard and when i found the list, i was a lifeguard and a swimming instructor and it was the perfect summer job just as i knew it would be way back when. my life truly was a chlorine dream filled with pink balls and children's laughter so you can understand why the photograph fills me with such joy.

one beautiful morning during squam, while walking along the tree lined path from my cabin to the dining hall, i happened upon the most beautiful sight.  a gorgeous coloured painted rock, laying gently on a much bigger moss covered rock.  i squealed in delight and yes i really do squeal and eeeeeeeeeeee and eek! and tee hee aloud.  it was so pretty and my favourite colour so i reached down and picked it up when one of my lovely friends gently said, "i don't think that you are supposed to take it" and of course i responded with the realization that the rocks were there for everyone to enjoy and that wouldn't happen if i took it.  so, i gently laid the rock back on the larger rock and laughed and pulled out my camera knowing that i could take the rock and reminder home with me in a different way, so i quickly snapped a photo before continuing on the light dappled path towards friends and food.

in a different sort of world, one where light doesn't dance on water and the sky doesn't reflect that particular shade of blue that causes you to gasp in delight; in a world that doesn't include a hundred thousand stars which twinkle and sigh and drench themselves in the dark crisp air, well in that other world that doesn't really exist, this would be the end of the story.  but since the stars do create magic and the air really is that crisp and magic lingers around street corners brightened by autumn's leaf dance and in the woods the fairies smile and twitter behind leaf adorned masks, this is only the beginning.

the very next day, i sat in the dining room with the lovely bella and was talking to her about that photograph and how much i love the cards that i purchased when out of the blue, she said that she had an actual print ... here at squam ... in her cabin ... and would i want it?  *gasp.  i quickly asked how much it was and she very gently but in a tone that really didn't leave room for argument said, "i would like you to have it as a gift".  i immediately wanted to give her something in return but miss bella is a strong presence and i very awkwardly agreed and graciously said thank you.  this photograph was more than just a photograph to me, it was a huge gift, a reminder that dreams are the stuff of magic, it was a reminder for a heart that was ready to look inside and dream again, really dream.  i was uncomfortable with receiving this gift and not having something to give her in return but there was nothing i could do about it.

we headed out to the path to take us back to our afternoon classes, we met up with other lovelies and my discomfort gave way to lightheartedness and the laughter of friends.  on the path, one of my friends gasped and stopped and reached her hand into the bottom of a tree trunk, pulled out a coloured rock and stuffed it in her pocket.  um.  this was the very same friend who had gently reminded me that i shouldn't take the rock from yesterday's sighting.  cheeky monkey. 

for a few minutes i felt sullen and angry with myself for not taking the pretty painted rock and i started beating myself up and then realized i needed to turn it around, this wasn't helpful to me or anyone else especially given i was talking aloud to myself as i am apt to do.  i started telling myself that it was good that i left that rock because someone who really needed it likely found it and took it and while it was a beautiful rock, it hadn't truly spoken to my heart, it wasn't a gift that i needed at this time in my life and it likely found a home with the person it was meant for.

It was at that point that Bella pointed out that she had also found a rock yesterday and she also picked it up and took it as it seemed to speak to her.  I asked her what the rock had said and she said, "forgive yourself first".