time seems to have drifted me by and today finds me back at work anticipating the new year, a new decade ... in the grande scheme of things i know that reality tells me that when the clock strikes twelve heralding in 2010, nothing really changes.  i am still me. i don't always live in logic's reality though and a little alice tumbling is not a bad thing i think ... i am a firm believer that we create our own realities leaving room for mystery and surprise and some universe intervention.

i sit here on the cusp of it all and feel the anticipation of this marker even as i chase the light of my dreams i realize that the past decade has been all about the light chasing.  some things never change but within that there is so much change.

i thought before i go forward with my intentions and goals and resolutions disguised as a rainbow coloured dream filtered in star lashed wishes of light sprinkles, i would take a look back through this past decade.  bear with me as i'll try and keep it brief and stick to the highlights, the defining moments,

2000 was a year of transition ... i rang in the millinium out dancing in a purple velvet dress with people i no longer even talk to and have no desire to see again.  My husband was at a different party and my 5 year old son was at his grandparents for the weekend.  I left my husband; I moved 4 times; i got a job (well here) as an intern; i saw the ocean for the first time; i cried and raged and hurt and laughed and learned a whole lot about who i was and what i was capable of.

2001 was a year of realization ... i learned that i could support myself and stand on my own two feet.  i learned that i was a good mother even as i was coming to terms with the fact that i was a single mom.  i spent the year dating and managed to stay out of any committed relationships and it felt really good.  i was really poor but managed to find an amazing rental house in a good neighbourhood with lots of boys my son's age.  i froze my legs on more than one occasion during the 2 hour bus commute to get my son to school and myself to work everyday.  i jumped out of a plane and it was incredible.

2002 was a year of endings and beginnings ... i fell in love, i fell out of love.  my sister landed in intensive care for 4 months and my mom moved in with me during that period.  i got engaged.  my sister died.  i broke off the engagement.  i went white water rafting in the rocky mountains. i went whale watching in tofino on my son's birthday and we saw a momma grey whale with 2 babies, she came over to the boat and came up right beside me.  i touched her soft barnacled skin and felt myself start to heal.  i made a film, it was viewed by 600 people.  i had some health problems and lost so much weight i became scary skinny.  i shot and directed another film with my ex and a bunch of our friends and i fell down the rabbit hole of love with duke.

2003 was a year of opening my heart ... duke moved in with me.  i started a blog.  i bought my first digital camera, a sony dsc-f717.  i got a promotion at work. 

2004 was a year of pursuing passion ... i started and quit a little collaboration called Y3X to write and make little films.  i started bellydancing and performed on stage.  i quit smoking and started a photoblog.  i started shooting film, lots and lots of film with a used canon rebel i found for a song.  i started shooting polaroid film with the polaroid sx-70, duke bought me for christmas.

2005 was a year of hope and successes ... i shot my first photoshoot with a band called the wheatpool.  i shot my second photoshoot with the musician, amy seeley.  i had some poems published and read my poetry for the first time at a book launch.  i had a photograph published and curated a photo show as part of that particular book launch at city hall.  we found out we were pregnant.  we found out we were pregnant with twins. 

2006 was a year of loss and change.  due to complications, i went on bedrest for months.  i gave birth to my twins early.  eliot died after 12 hours and henry died after 19 days.  a part of me died with them. my son started junior high at a performing arts school. we bought a house and in a burst of optimism ripped up the rugs to expose the maple floors and painted the plaster walls yellow.  we got married.  we collapsed into grief.  i wrote about it all on my blog.  i bought my canon rebel xti.

2007 was a year of healing.  i wrote out my grief on the internet. i went to Montreal and fell in love with that city.  i met a beautiful bee and meeting another open, honest, beautifully creative blogger was such an incredible experience. she held my hand and we talked and laughed well into the morning. it freed me even more as i completely understood the beauty in the connections we make here.  the i met my beautiful soul friend jen and my oldest photoblogging friend coincidentally another jen and realized that healing can be found in living and connecting.  i learned how to make jewelry.  i opened up an etsy store and sold prints and jewelry. duke's brother died of cancer.  i started december views and a made a video of 2007.

2008 was a year of jumping.  duke and i started our photography business.  we shoot a couple of engagment sessions and 3 weddings.  i shot many portrait and artist sessions.  we invested in fancy new lenses.  i met linni and jill, two more fabulous bloggers who found their way here.  i traveled to portland to stay with my friend jen and i also met maddie and liz. i remembered that we can make our dreams come true. i turned 40.  i started a polaroid collaboration with my friend kristen.  i made this video to remind myself that beauty comes to those who believe.

2009 was a year of pushing myself further and realizing a whole lot of truths about myself and what i wanted from this life.  it was a year of acceptance.  i'm not going to talk about it more because there will be another post with this year's video and my thoughts on 2009.

the past decade has been filled with so many ups and downs and realizations and learnings and change.  so much change.  i am often astounded at how much can happen in a single year but this exercise of looking back over the past decade has me reeling.  i am so in love with the life i have created for myself, every year it feels more grounded, more filled with love, more like home.  not everything has been rosy cheeked fun and there has been a lot of pain, there will continue to be i think because that is all part of the journey and i have much growing as a person to do still but mostly i feel like so long as i continue growing and learning, i will continue to enjoy the beauty that surrounds me.