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Monday, July 13, 2009 I have a confession to make. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed this past week, a bit scattered and a little bit vulnerable and emotional and woobly. Is woobly a word? It should be.
I am peri-menopausal. I am feeling like I am too young to have to deal with all of this. All of this. What is this. Well, I suspect it is different for everyone but for me it means months and months of no period but I still have the crazy hormonal ups and downs. Hot flashes. I have hot flashes and I couldn't have ever imagined what that looked like from the other side of things. I literally feel like I am on fire and yes, there is sweating and when it happens, I am always stunned and a bit overwhelmed with it all. There is more, crazy stuff where I feel angry for no reason or I can start crying at the drop of a hat which is no surprise because I have always been emotional.
I have wandered away from my crazy exercise routine in the past couple of weeks. Spraining my ankle sent me straight to the couch and there I pretty much stayed and consequently, its all been magnified. I think that running and biking and swimming and my little weight routine help to keep me stable, keep my mind fresh and my emotions level (well fairly level, i'm not a robot or anything *wink). So, I biked to work this morning and I am going running in a few minutes and tonight after biking home, I will find myself back at the pool, cool water escape from the heat. At some point, it all really becomes about being healthy and functioning and breathing in every day with an eye towards the beauty of it all.
The things that they never told us in health education when it was all twittering giggles and masturbation and burgeoning breasts. The excitement of that first kiss, touch and the endless fascination with all things sexual. But. When were we ever educated on aging? On that part that happens after puberty has come and gone, after babies (if that is what we choose) and blossoming bellies. Its like one moment, you're hitting some sort of crazy sexual peak and then the next moment, your body turns on you.
I will not go with quiet rage into that good night and I fully intend on moving forward into this new phase of my life with a lot of grace and dignity though when your face is red and sweat is oozing out of you, its a little bit hard to maintain a calm smile of elegance. Sometimes, all you can ask for is a breath of the here and now.
Scattered Petals
A flower bud bursts open, a bloom of beauty shining in the light swaying in the wind's dance until time's ravages send the petals scattered. nourishing the earth. beautiful still.
Reader Comments (15)
I entered this phase end of last year, and it is unnerving, yes? The hot flashes were in full swing yesterday which made crafting a little disheartening for a while. I've no doubt you will indeed handle this with grace and dignity... you little-ball-of-fire you...
;-)
(((HUGS))),
Love,
me
first off, that pic is just divine. wow, i feel like i can reach down and
snatch up one of those beautiful blooms!
on my blog, i wrote a related post about 'gentleness in the jouney'.
it is pretty easy to go into a default of pushing when all that is needed is kindness
and compassion to yourself.
however that looks for YOU.
it would be wonderful to hear your journey of peri-menopause
because as i move through my journey and the years tick along,
i, too, will be facing it and sometimes knowing
some details about it makes it
a little intimidating.
thanks for always sharing from your heart, darlene!
love your new "home" :)
Beautiful still is right...such rich texture in this photo...Now the perimenopause thing, um...ya...I'm not quite there yet, but some things are most definately changing. Especially in regards to energy and emotion levels. You're so right, that no one ever tells us what to expect as we age. One day we're feeling like giddy teenagers, and then POOF! Ya...you're forty, and here's a llittle mixed shitbag for you to deal with. But Dar you truly are a graceful, beautiful woman...yep, twisted ankles and all honey! So breathe...vent...sweat...all you like. There's a lot of cyberhugs and kisses coming your way...:-)
Love you...
xoxo
Loving your new blog :-)
I really did not know its such an emotional turmoil that women go through, may be talking about your feelings over here will help you out
you know i'm standing shoulder to shoulder with you on this one...ugh. like you, exercise is the only way for the crazed symptoms to abate and i've been out of the gym and workout routine a whole lot longer and it just sucks. i will not let peri-menopause bring. me. down. word. xoxo
Hello beautiful 'hug'gy girl!
I was 43 or 44 when the peri-menopause began... and then I got pregnant with Sam :)
So here I am 50 years old, and in the throws of the peri-menopause cycle once again.
So dear heart, may you never forget that you are so not alone!
I positively adore your new space. It is clean and airy and feels eternally like Sring where you wait in awe for the beauty that is about to begin all around you. It is truly beautiful indeed.
love and eternal 'hugs' to you... xoxo
At the moment my symptoms seem to be feeling like I'm going to cry all the time Because I see a puppy. Because the baby is reunited with his mother on the cheezy cop show. Because of a song on the radio. Or when I'm summarizing a book I just read that has the tiniest emotional twist. It's fun. Better than feeling nothing at all.
You are always graceful (in your cute and non-graceful sort of way....he he)....but seriously, you will indeed forge ahead and make the best and most of everything and even though I am not yet where you are, you already know that the last week has been much the same for me for different reasons, which we need to talk more about, but clearly not here. BUT, you know what? I think it fabulous that spoke out loud about this, because lord knows I would never have the courage nor the grace to do so. I love you.xo
I am going through early menopause at 41. It sucks. Realizing I am middle aged kind of sucks, too. And I have no friends my own age to talk to about this stuff.
Anyway, enough about my stupid ego. I hope your ankle is ALL better so you can continue doing all the things you love doing!
oh my. i feel like we are living parallel lives. though not peri-menopausal my cycle has fallen to 21 days over the past 4 months and i sprained my ankle badly 6 weeks ago. ha ha (not really). sending love your way, pretty lady. also. LOVE LOVE LOVE this new site. looks like a picture book for a virtual coffee table ;)
I'm right there with you. Hot flashes that feel like I'm goona die from heat stroke, crazy emotions, anger, insomnia, weight gain, and on and on it goes. The hot flashes started in February, with a bang; I went straight from none to 15 or 20 a day. And I've realized that part of what I thought was my body reacting to grief over the last few years was, in fact, perimenopause. Of course, the two are intertwined, so who really knows what belongs to which process.
I didn't want to take anything, but with the wedding comming up and the stress of caring for my parents I had to do something. Estroven has helped completely. I could dance a happy little jig for the hot flashes being gone.
You're right about not being taught about this stage of life. Every time I said anything about it (until recently) people would brush me aside with a comment about being too young to think about that kind of thing. The truth is that the more we know the better prepared we can become. This is a pretty dramatic shift, and as much as I've tried to learn about it, it still has knocked me off my feet.
funny...
when i was having heart palpitations last year
i tried to tell 3 different doctors
that i thought it was pre-menopause.
they all laughed.
one said "how old are you?" in a disbelieving kind of way...
one said "have you had a hysterectomy? if not, no. you are not."
and my family dr. just laughed it off.
i'm serious that i think thats what it was
(and all my drs were male)
and i know i have read that it can be a symptom...
gah.
along with hot flashes, period changes and major headaches
right before my period...which i didn't have before...
argh...
(oh...and majorific mood swings.)
so...i hear ya
and i feel for you on this...
xo
I am past you here, into the full menpausal experience, and the Universe directed me here this day, no doubt about it. I am weepy, fatigued, bitchy, depressed, no fun. Finally this past week I accepted I might need help from my dr. and you have given me the courage to write about this. After all, my blog is about anxiety as well as art! LOL! Thank you!
Me too but without the hot flashes. I get a hot face(!) now and then but that's it as far as the flash goes. What I dislike is the wee pot of fat that has settled on my belly! Having a hard time trying to dislodge it:)