(polaroid sun 660 / impossible px 680 color shade ff)

‎1. last night as i was planting, a big fat juicy bee landed on my arm and just stayed there for a moment, her soft furry body tickling me and then she hovered above me and headed for the lilac buds above my head. it felt sacred and true.

2. i love the clearing away that comes in may. my yard and garden continue to teach me. all the leaves decomposed like death covering the tiny sprouting plants, protecting them from our harsh spring. and i clear away to reveal the new growth, the possibility even as i plant new seeds, new plants and watch and wait and see how it all transpires.

3. hard swim at the pool after hours spent playing in the dirt. this time of year is a blessing.

4. anniversary of the wildfires that consumed my town last year and as the town celebrates it resiliance, new fires burn all around the province. hot and dry.

5. i continually marvel at the breadth and range of our climate and the 80 degree difference that takes place in the course of a year. i wouldn’t have it any other way. this is my paradise and every year, the idea of blooming where you grow, feels so right to me even as i recognize the ways that these extreme seasons have shaped the person that i have become, the person that i am becoming.

There was a lot of this on the weekend,

10 things I didn’t do this weekend:

1. the laundry.  it is still piled up threatening to spill out onto the floorboards.  oh, who am i really kidding here, it HAS spilled out onto the floorboards.
2. the dishes.  okay, that is a partial untruth.  i did run the dishwasher thereby cleaning last week’s dishes but the weekend dishes are still piled up in the sink because the clean dishes have yet to be unloaded.
3. finish my interview for a reluctant mermaid.  i am a smidge away from being finished but alas it is all still sitting there waiting for me.  luckily she has many other lovelies to grace her pages while she waits for an errant hippy urban girl.
4. go to the gym.  the good news is that the gym will still be there waiting for me.
5. dust.  i am happy to report that no dusting went on. ah ah ahhhhhh choooooo.
6. cry.  no tears were shed.  not a one.
7. spend money.  not a cent.  my bank account thanks me.
8. drink enough water.  i am feeling that one today and happily gurgling on my water bottle as i type this.
9. curl my hair.  hahahaha.  trick answer because i never curl my hair.
10. straighten my hair.  hahahaha.  another trick answer because i never straighten my hair.  i think i might have brushed it once or twice, though cannot even guarantee that.

What I did do this weekend:

Enjoyed myself.  Hoping you did too!

peace.

i like a cluttered fridge and by cluttered, i mean, i like a fridge that is filled with artwork and memories … my fridge is an inspiration board.  what i don’t like is a cluttered fridge and by cluttered, i mean, a fridge that has so much stuff piled on top of it that it regularly falls over when the door shuts too hard.

this is my fridge, notice the lovely space above it.  i have been enjoying that lovely space for a couple of months now after 3+ years of clutter piled upon clutter.  it was so annoying to me, i put it on my life list (100 things to do before i die) in August 2008.  i happily crossed it off that list in 2009.

i also happily crossed off:

• find and join a bookclub ~ thanks to one of the many holiday parties i attended in december, i am so excited to have found a bookclub.
• start a new photoblog just for me ~ i used to be all about the photoblog and then when i moved spaces and then moved spaces again and it all became a mess, i deleted years worth of images and comments dating back to 2004 or maybe it was 2003.  i loved participating in that world back when it was a small community, it taught me so much about photography and i met so many amazing people.  so when i moved to squarespace this summer, i started a new photoblog, just for me, a place to store some of my favourite images, no pressure, no expectation, love that!
• reinstitute new boots every year on my birthday (even if husband thinks i already own too many) ~ this year due to my commited pledge to not buy anything except for art supplies, i kind of figured this one wouldn’t be crossed off.  but.  lovely husband bought me a beautiful new pair of boots for my birthday thereby giving me permission to reinstitute this lovely tradition that i started 10 years ago and stopped a couple of years ago for no apparent reason.  i figure by the time i’m 80, i’ll need a room just to store them.  hah.
• get my belly button re-pierced ~ we had to cut out my ring when i was pregnant with the twins and i have never gotten around to getting it re-pierced and this year i changed my mind about it and got my nose pierced instead.  it was a good choice.
• have my own studio space ~ because my studio/office was a section of the couch and half of a large coffeetable with well placed cubeys.  i used to have to pull out my paint buckets and cover the coffee table and then put everything away.  my scanner was in a cubey and i had to pull it out and plug it in and balance it precariously on my lap everytime i scanned film so at least every sunday when i scanned my polaroids.  i won’t even talk about what i had to do to print something.  shudder.  thanks to months of decluttering and my son moving into a lovely room in the basement, i now have a beautiful room all to myself where i can go and work and get into my groove and i can even leave my projects out, pure bliss.  as an added bonus, i also have my very own little walk in closet for you know all those boots.
• make a dream vision board ~ and you know its clipped on my fridge though you can’t see it in the photo above.
• singing lessons ~ something you may or may not know about me is that i have a huge fear of singing where anyone can remotely hear me and its not because i live with a musician.  when i was in grade 4, my teacher took me aside one day and asked if i could refrain from singing (every morning we sang oh canada and other such merriment) because i was desruptive and too energetic and could i mouth the words instead.  pretty much seal the deal on hiding one’s voice.  later in university, i was in a drama class (drama was my minor in both my degrees) and surrounded by musical theatre people who happily sang in the hallowed halls.  i told more than a few of them my story from grade 4 when i refused to participate in their joyful noise.  we were doing ‘under milkwood’ (dylan thomas) and if you’ve ever read this radio play then you know that there is a song, a long song, a capella song.  i remember sitting there when we got to that point willing with my head for the prof not to call on me, don’t call on me, don’t call on me and even as a part of my brain was willing that chant, another part of my brain was fantasizing about him calling on me and suddenly my voice would spill out in beauty.  you can guess how this goes.  he called on me only there was no dream fantasy sequence as my throat tightened and i choked out the words valiantly, ears bright red, hands shaking.  not even halfway through, the prof sang with me, helping me chug through it.  afterwards so many people came up to me to express their sympathy.  a few even said, well at least you weren’t that poor girl who was traumatized in grade 4 to which i replied, yup, uh huh … that was me too.  short story long.  thanks to the meddling of my husband and the encouragement of a dear friend who actually teaches voice combined with yoga and breathing techniques, i stared taking voice lessons on my birthday last november.  i am loving it and believe that david is not just teaching me to sing but also how to live.  i am finding my voice in more ways than one.
• attend an art retreat ~ one word.  squam.  it was absolutely amazing, life altering and i got to meet and hug so many of the friends that i made here, in this space, that i have known for years.  it was in a word, fantastic.
• new york baby! ~ i have dreamt about new york since i was a child in the single digits.  living in a small northern canadian town, it seemed so far away but i gobbled it up in books and art and television and movies.  one of my uncles hitchhiked to new york when he was in his twenties and i was still a child … i remember being incredibly jealous.  i had big dreams of living in new york, working in new york, writing in a loft in new york.  new york new york.  as i got older, my dreams gave way to the reality of my life and the choices i had made and the lack of funds to even get there and it became one of those, i’ll get there someday dreams.  it became epic in my head.  i have to tell you that it completely lived up to every one of my expectations and from the moment i walked up the stairs from penn station, and my feet hit the pavement, i was in love and i felt completely at home.  i’ll be going back and i still harbour a dream that i will live there someday if only for a few months.
• eliminate the clutter in my life, let go of things that don’t matter ~ you would not believe the truckload of stuff that went out of my house this fall.  truckloads.  we finally tackled the basement and went through all the boxes that were hastily packed and never unpacked over three years ago.  bit by bit, section by section … the clutter in my house was cleared away and the stuff i kept was organized.  it freed my head and i am finding it is creating space for me to truly find and be me. 
• find a good home for the kickass can go up a mountain stroller, car seat and bassinet that are sitting in their original boxes in our basement ~ this was a hard one and i don’t even know if i can explain how hard it was.  there was so much hope wrapped up in that stroller package, so much hope and we dropped more money than we had on the accessories in an attempt to give hope to the thought that henry would live.  after eliot died, we exchanged the stroller for the best stroller money could buy.  it was false hope.  and it sat like a lump in our basement, the sad lost hope of an empty stroller.  i wanted it to have a good home, a home that would be filled with joy and laughter and the gurgling chubby fisted hope of a baby and so i gave it to my brother and his wife.  its all so bittersweet because i don’t even know at this point if they are going to have a baby, my brother and i are no longer even talking to each other and its another loss that hits me straight in the deepest part of my heart.
• have a bowl filled with seaglass, i currently have no seaglass but long for it in a way i don’t even understand ~ i have such beautiful memories of walking the beach in new jersey with my husband and one of my best friends.  before we got there, she handed me a big plastic bag and i thought she was nuts, i was hoping to find one or two pretty pieces but as the hours went by, the bag got fuller and fuller.  it just makes me so happy.  i love the way it smells, i love playing with it, letting my fingers run through it … i love that it reminds me that impossible sounding dreams can indeed come true.

2009 was a full year.

A lot of life list dreams came true and there were other things, unexpected things.  I learned how to meditate and found support among some amazing creative women.  I started being a part of some very wonderful creative collaborations with people I now consider some of my closest friends.  I started running and swimming and getting healthy.  I was challenged emotionally and while I feel as though I failed on some levels, I discovered that I still have a lot of hurt and anger inside with regards to old wounds and I realize that there is a lot of growth that I still need to work on, stuff I need to find a way to let go of.

I found my word for 2010 but I don’t want to talk about it here.  Next time.  For now I want to breathe in and release 2009.  You were good to me, you gave me so much beauty and joy and insight and lessons.

peace.

When Spring comes, a young girl’s head starts turning towards Summer. Every year I dub a new summer theme because a girl simply has to have something to look forward to and planning ahead never hurts.
A look back at the decade thus far reveals:
2000: Summer of Debauchery
That summer we were all newly single or still single, singledom ruled and we were not about to roll around in sadness over the state so dubbed the summer of debauchery. This particular summer highly figured Ruby Two Shoes who had more than his fair share of debauchery. I, however, was very good, wink wink nudge nudge.
2001: Summer of Creativity
It was a summer of writing, painting, fringe plays and general embracing of the arts. Highly enjoyable and good for the soul. Asylus figured greatly in this summer and we even enjoyed the dance of the sky as we jumped from a plane in anticipation of fringe extravaganza.
2002: Summer of Bohemia
It was a strange summer of the Dandy Warhols and ‘all about me’, the search for self and discovery of more changes. It was up and down but never boring and resulted in a good next year.
2003: Summer of Self-Indulgance (also known as the summer of the slug)
It was a summer of musica, laying in fields ears open and mouths embracing bubble tea and assorted foods. It was warm tans and lazing about in warmth enjoying being in love. Lovely.
Which brings us to the upcoming Summer of 2004. Parties involved seem to be in agreement. Thus I dub thee “Summer of Free Expression”
Do with it as you will.