(polaroid spectra / softtone film)

I took this photo a few blocks from my house earlier this spring as the promise of summer danced in front of me.  It feels like a life time ago now and I wonder why I feel as though I have aged 10 years in less than half a year.  Something happened to me this summer and if I were sitting across from you with a steaming hot cup of tea, fragrant mist floating up to twitch the anticipation of a good story, I wouldn’t be able to make you see.  Because it was nothing dramatic, nothing that makes a good story arc with a dramatic awakening culminating in an illuminating reveal.

I didn’t wake up one morning changed and I didn’t suddenly one summer sparked day after drinking too much raspberry flavoured wine have a life changing epiphany – though that would have been fun I think.   I still have the same four grey hairs though I keep hoping for more because I am still twisted like that.  I may have a couple of more fine lines but nothing worth noting though the skin at the back of my hands looks thiner to my eyes, a giveaway that I am indeed aging.  But that isn’t really what I am talking about.  I feel as though my soul has aged, seemingly over night.

I don’t even know that it is discernible to those around me but I feel it, deep down and I am starting to feel the push pull ripple effect that happens when we go through deep seeded changes.  Changes that we can’t even articulate to ourselves but there is the knowing.  I am in the knowing.  I flex my fingers and know with certaintly that I have been in this place before.  The same but different which is sort of the point I suppose.  If we are lucky and we continue to learn and grow, we also continue to change until we become almost unrecognizable to a younger version of ourselves.  If we are lucky our family and friends understand and get used to the new versions of ourselves and they learn us all over again as we learn ourselves all over again.

Sometimes we lose people as we turn right when they continue forward or as they turn right and we are distracted by the shiny gold path on the left.  If we are lucky we find each other again on the twisty turny path that diverges and then meets up again.  I think though that when we love, truly love then pieces of our hearts fit neatly into the soul backpack and stay with us forever.

I suppose I am saying that somewhere along the way, I have made a turn and its a bit to foggy to tell if it was right or left or up or down but it feels as though I have exited off the main path and am following my own quirky way.  I am okay with that and feel strangely clear headed as I make my way not sure where it is that I am going.  And I am hopeful that if I lose anyone, I will hold your heart until we meet up again.

peace.

House Dreams
All my life I have been haunted by a dream. There were many variations to to this dream but they always follow the same sort of outline.
I would be in a house, in a room bathed in light and then I would find a door and stairs that would lead me down into the basement which would lead to another room and more rooms following that and it would progressively get darker and darker and full of junk and clutter and dirt and cobwebs and I was always compelled to go forward as my heart beat so loudly that I would sometimes wake up bathed in sweat and fear unable to move my hand to switch off the light.

It is fair to say that I have been dreaming some form of this dream for a good twenty years of my life, if not more. So finally, as in today, I looked it up. Its odd that I am only now looking this dream up because lately this dream has changed for me and while I still dream of a house, now I have moved up to empty rooms bathed in light and windows. So, what does it all mean?

Dreammoods says,
“To dream that you are in a basement, symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. The appearance of the basement is an indication of your unconscious state of mind and level of satisfaction.
To dream that the basement is in disarray and messy, signifies some confusion in which you need to sort out. It may also represent your perceived faults and shortcomings.”
Whereas, the new house dream, according to Dreammoods says,

“Attic
To see an attic in your dream, represents hidden memories or repressed thoughts that is being revealed. It also symbolize your mind, spirituality, and your connection to the higher Self. Alternatively, it signifies difficulties in your life that will hinder you from attaining your goals and aspirations. However, in the end, after a long period of struggle, you will overcome them.”

Last Saturday, we jauntily headed out to beat the rush at Christmas. Naively on my way to pick up Aiden’s christmas wish list gift, the clone turbo tank, a masterful piece of lego that even has a light up lightsaber. wow. Forget Aiden, I so want one.

So, off we headed to fairy tale land where massive crowds of people pushing and ploughing through aisles torn apart by ravaging hands don’t exist. hah! Needless to say there is not any sort of star wars lego kit worth having available in stores and likely will not be until well after the sting of christmas rush shopping and the tearing of wrapping paper is over. I was a bit disappointed that I will not be able to get him the one gift he really wanted but I think he will be very happy with what I did end up with and his birthday is only 6 months away so all is well.

I think I am starting to feel all Christmasy now that the consumer part of my Christmas adventure is over and I can enjoy the good stuff – like trimming the tree this weekend and oh my all that oh so chocolately goodness of baking that will soon fill my kitchen : ) and the cool family stuff and and and … : )

Well, I skateboarded through the weekend. That sounds so exciting but the actuality is that I spent most of the weekend crocheting with 1 afghan almost finished and 2 to go. One of these days, I will actually buy into the consumerism of Christmas and go out and spend money on people rather than attempting to make things like a maniac. So the next few weekends will find me packing around my yarn everywhere I go – I’m sure they will LOVE the crochety woman at the bar listening to her guy bang on his drums while she clicks her needles in tune. I am so rock n’ roll baby. lol.

The other soccer moms gave me covert eyeballing at the indoor soccer game on Saturday while they screamed, I spun colours up from my hippie folk fest bag. I wonder what they think of me with my long hair often in pigtails and my weird non soccer mom behaviour, i.e. I don’t jump up and down like a banshee and scream loudly across the field. Good thing I gave up fitting in sometime in grade five. Saves me a lot of hassle I suspect and a good thing for getting down close to the wet ground and taking photos like this while passerbys look on with puzzlement at the weird girl with the cameras hanging from her neck. “Why would you be taking pictures of the ground when the trees are so pretty?”

hmmmm, can you picture me wrinkled up with long grey braids and a funk punk helmet skateboarding through city sidewalks as security guards chase me down. i can’t wait until i’m old and can really get eccentric – yeah baby!

I love change … change is good and productive and is the essence of my being. I am saying this now because I wonder at the lack of change in my life recently which is of course my own subjective view of my life and while I realize that I have gone through many life altering significant changes over the past year – its just not enough, sigh.
So rather than turn my life upside down in a topsy turvy rage and miss out on all the wonder that is currently my existance I am thinking of revamping, yet again, this little home of mine in bloggerland. As much as I think I was on to something with the new layout, it is not yet where I want to be so stay tuned my dears because change is in the air. You may not see the results for quite some time as I doubt (hope) that I am going to be sick anytime soon but I will be plugging away at something new in the next month and I am going to be getting a new site as I plunk down some money on pluckthepetal.com and all : ) … my own home away from home, imaginary, intangible and yet somehow real. I love how life changes and technology molds and weather systems breeze in and blow out cold fissions of new.
I pulled out my warm grey wool sweater today, only to find that it wasn’t warm enough to keep the cold out of my aging bones. Can you see me in 20 years, grey braided hair wrapped up like a bag lady topped off by my old man hat? I can.
Eek off to a meeting, I’m late I’m late for a very important …

Ah, the damp dank soddyness of Monday morning … sigh … in a foggy sleep state still am I…
The weekend was lovely spent with my sweet little man as he had friends over to watch Lord of the Rings Two Towers and they ate popcorn and awed over the movie as Duke and I rearranged furniture yet again. The rearranging made me feel good and opened up the space a bit more and as Asylus pointed out to me, “but of course you need to rearrange – its what you do every season” and yes, he is right, oh poor Duke. Its a good thing the poor boy knows what he’s gotten himself into.
Asylus’ birthday was strange – I mean the boy has learned to hold his alcohol and where is the betting fun in that. He thinks this is progress but I think that it just goes to show what too much drinking practice will get you ;-) Actually I would say a fun time was had by all and I for one enjoyed seeing Reilly and Miranda as its been quite a while and I always enjoy talking with them and is always quite interesting to re-discover how much we have in common. I also enjoyed drooling over Reilly’s camera in utter camera-envy, sigh … and the most beautiful Miranda won some Big Sugar tickets (though she filled out the form saying I do not want these at all) and very kindly gave them to Duke and I (thank you thank you thank you). Though they are apparently playing at Cook County Salon and I must confess that I have never actually set foot in this particular establishment in my life, eek … though Duke pointed out that it will most likely be a different crowd than the norm, we shall see … could be fun, will let you know on Thursday.
I think that I am enjoying the fairly calm relaxed state of weekend peace, lazing about the house, piddling in the kitchen and watching the crazy squirrel outside my door … Once I have my camera I hope to get some shots of this lunatic squirrel – This crazy assed squirrle will come right up to the door and crawls up the wall and chirps away scampering and jumping inches away from me when I am lounging outside on the patio.
movie note: “Identity”, I loved it, loved it, loved it. You must understand that I am a huge Hitchcock fan and this movie is very Hitchcockian in nature and effect. Stories within stories keep you riveted to the screen up to the climactic twist at the end which I only figured out a bit before the reveal (I love being surprised). This movie is fantastico and a must see. John Cusak, Ray Liotta, Amanda Peet, Alfred Molina, Jake Busey, Clea Duvall, and Rebecca De Mornay make up the cast of this dark drama/thriller/suspense movie … well what are you waiting for, if you haven’t seen it already, go out and rent it for gawd’s sake!

Well and there you have it …
Yesterday’s work adventure had me leaving early in the morning to the Municipal Airport and getting on a little tiny 8 seater plane (now I’m not tall but I had to duck when standing, eek) and flying south. I was terrified as flying is not really my thing and little planes seem super scary, yikes. However, wow … the flight was amazing and they even served us a very cool breakfast with a croissant, juice, mini-go yogurt and the cutest jellys in these teeny glass containers, gotta like that!
Anyway, while waiting for the plane to come home in the afternoon … I had a realization and that realization was that I was feeling pretty good. Why? Well, I realized that my job was pretty darn cool really and while I spend most of my time sitting in my office feeling disconnected but then I get to go out there and realize that I play a part (albeit a small one) in some pretty amazing projects handled by some super caring and wonderful people who spend a whole lot of time and energy devoted to their jobs and they have a whole lot of passion for what they do and what they do affects the health of many many people in very positive ways … very cool! The point is that while I may not be doing what I want right now, I am incredibly lucky to have this experience and to be a part of something really wonderful.
Sometimes you have to appreciate what you so have instead of only focussing on what you don’t have. Lesson I continually learn over and over … maybe someday it will stick …
On another bright note, I had a really good talk with Duke last night about what I was going through and realized that once again I was going through some sort of change and coming to grips with who I am … obviously things have changed in my life and I seem to have a whole lot of stability which is a double-edged sword for me. First of all, I’m not used to it and secondly, I don’t know if I deal well with the whole stability routine and yet I am liking it to some extent and this doesn’t seem to fit with the whole impetuous me and oh my god perhaps I have changed and do I like this new me? Well to be honest, the old me wasn’t working all that well … so perhaps this is a good thing. I think I need to explore all that I am now and get somewhat comfortable with my newness, it is perhaps like being reborn (which is supposed to happen every 7 or so years) and finding your way with newborn kitten eyes, a bit murky and unfocused … time is needed …
Ah life … at least I am feeling like it is worth something again …
I have some thoughts on my motivating factor – fear … but alas I have work to do so will expand on that latter …
Movie note: Watched “The Man from Elysian Fields” (who here remembers their greek mythology?) In a nutshell its about a failed novelist’s (Andy Garcia) inability to pay the bills which makes him feel impotent and strains relations with his wife (Julianna Margulies) and leads him to work at an escort service (run by Mick Jagger) where he becomes entwined with a wealthy woman (Olivia Williams) whose husband is a successful writer (James Coburn). Also has Angelica Huston as Mick Jagger’s not so love/love interest. An interesting showing of male pride and prostitution and the feelings and loss of respect that go along with that combined with compromise, anger, frustration, deceit and honour. I really enjoyed it and thought it was played with sensitivity and care and so I highly recommend this look at the male perspective on love, relationships, degradation and betrayal.