What is it about this time of year?  The waning light so golden, the leather coats pulled out even as boots are being laced up.  And my body gives rise to an inexplicable burst of energy even as my eyelids droop drowsy as the dark begins its slow descent to block out the light.

I have organized all the books in our house, thousands of them by genre and then alphabetically by author.  They live in two rooms lining walls with their wisdom.  I have dusted and swept and soaped up the walls, had the furnace cleaned and the dust sucked out of the vents.  My old vintage bones of a house is breathing a sigh of relief and I feel her love wrapping around me.

I am getting ready for the dark, the cold, the frost and the endless days and months of snow covered roads.  I am in full on organize and clean mode.  Which sort of brings me to this blog.

I have been neglecting this blog for almost a year now, little bits of this and that, here and there but mostly I have been neglectful.  I recently archived it all, every last bit of it, needing to let go of the past so I could go forward into my future.  It was a good experiment only allowing one post up at a time.  It allowed me to live in my moments.  But I think the experiment is coming to an end.  I am ready to make some changes here, some changes that I hope will allow me to embrace my passions and share them here with any one who has stuck around for my indecisiveness or any one who somehow finds me on their travels.  I am spending the next month re-designing this space, molding it into a space that allows me to both embrace my past and move forward into my future.

I am remembering why I started blogging in the first place, the beauty it has given me and acknowledging that it has given me some ugly too.  But growth is often filled with the ugly and perhaps it is the ugly that truly lets us see who we are … or maybe it is the way they sit side by side embracing each other and becoming one.  I am going to continue blogging, I am even going to bring back some of my archives, not all but some but I am not the same person I was almost 10 years ago when I spilled out that first post.  Hell, I am not the same person as I was when I started here at hippyurbangirl almost 3 years ago now.  So, it is time for a refresh … it is time to adjust it to who I am now, to who I am becoming.

There will be poetry, photography and some poetic prose even.  I may talk less about myself except in the abstract but there will be more philosophical discussions, more photography talk and possibly even some sharing around photography.  I was going to do an online course but didn’t know if I actually had the time so I may share some that.  I am sort of excited for the changes that will happen here … and fearful that I will lose steam before I manage to get it all done.

And yes.  This post too will likely self-destruct in hours, days, weeks.  I don’t really know.

on the west coast, spring was light rain drops, crocuses revealing their pretty faces, bright green leaves budding on tall pacific northwest trees and green grasses waving in the light breeze that kissed my face and everywhere, the beautiful smell of growth.  i am now home where the predominant colour of nature is white made a little more beautiful by the soft blue sky casting shadow dances on the snowy landscape.  spring is a long way away and i am grateful to have had a brief beautiful taste.

while i wait, i decided to do a little spring cleaning and indulged in a little redesign.  its not finished and will likely be ever evolving as i have plenty of time to wait.  i did something i have never actually done before in the 7 years that i have been blogging.  i added a blogroll.  a blogroll of pretty badges highlighting sites that are currently making me happy.  i call it love.  i also made the photos on my blog smaller so that i could accomodate the new sidebars and because i already have a photoblog to showcase my favorite images in a large size.

speaking of my photoblog, i have started a new component over there which i love.  if you follow my tweet tweets on twitter or are a friend on facebook or met me at squam, than you know that i do these little one liner poems.  i am starting to incorporate that concept over on my photoblog.  A photo and a one liner poem of sorts.  It makes me happy.

do you know what else makes me happy?  my first article is up at life as a human and i am thrilled to be in the mix of so many amazing writers and can’t wait to see how it all evolves.  did i mention its a brand new online blog, in their own words,

“Life As A Human is a social hub for all aspects of the human experience. We cultivate good writing that illustrates our humanity in unique ways through compelling stories that defy categorization. You’ll have a hard time labeling our articles – but you’ll want to share them with everyone.” (about)

i would love it if you would go and read my article, the quiet of winter: a runner’s reflection and then go poke around and check out all the wonderful articles, some really wonderful writing!!

sometimes i just want to lay in the grass whispering secrets and watching the sky drift on by, expansive sky letting my spirit soar high in a dance of pink ballet slippers, grass stained wings flown high in the wind but the reality is that if you sit too long, the ticks will embed in your skin, painful bites of fury.

which is, of course, my long winded way of saying i am in the busy.  august conjurs up dreams of hammock swaying flower smelling growth of garden bounty while reading books and sipping on something fruity and icy.  am i right?  and maybe one of these years that will be my reality but not this year.  with a flurry of photoshoots in the tail end of july, i am left hugging my computer ever night, losing myself in the beauty of a photograph and gifted with the pleasure of telling a story through the visual sprawl.

a typical day for me right now is jump out of bed, pack my cycling bag and cycle to work wherein i put in a full long busy day because things just don’t slow down at all around these parts in the summer months.  i usually break up my day with a run or weights in the gym and then at about 5:30 pm, i hop back on the bike and cycle home.  do i need to point out that at this point, i have changed clothing 5 times with a 6th change happening once i get home.  um.  yeah.

i get home around 6:00 pm and then ready dinner and check on the garden and then its a quick walk to the pool where i indulge in an hour aquafit workout and then swim anywhere from 20-60 laps before changing yet again and walking home.  then its eat and plop myself down in front of the computer to process process process until around 1:00 am at which point, i pass out for a few good hours of sleep before i get up and do it all over again.  doesn’t that sound like good times?  actually its not that bad and i could totally deal with it all if it wasn’t for the fact that i need to throw a bunch of household complications into the mix,

still to be completed before the middle of september:

• paint the trim on the house
• paint the front door
• re-stain the front stoop
• new basement windows
• paint basement
• move son into bedroom in basement
• move our bedroom into son’s old bedroom
• create office create beauty space in what was our bedroom
• re-arrange living room
• paint drawers and bottom cupboards in kitchen
• organize little blue room in basement
• clear away about 1/2 the stuff in our house that is just taking up space and dust

its ambitious by any stretch of the imagination but i am grit my teeth and purse my lips together determined.  i need to create the space that will someday allow me lay in the grass, swing in a hammock and lose myself in the blue of the sky.

this is our 4th summer in our house and i am ready for change, for flight, for expansion.  when we moved in, i was defeated but spunky, determined to find a way to continue to live while flopping down and hiding out, licking my wounds and blindly stumbling through grief.  the second summer marked a year living in the house and we had barely stepped outside of it other than to go to work and it was that summer that found us tentatively starting a garden and growing roses, i was hopeful as i peeked around the mess of my yard and started finding healing in the growing.  last summer i opened my eyes and realized what an amazing neighbourhood i had somehow landed in as i explored and starting cycling and visiting the little shops in my historical hood, photographing the beauty and meeting people again all the while continuing to heal and grow.  and then … this summer …. the 4th summer,  i realized something important.

i poked myself here and there and realized that i am healed.  my sons live on in my heart, never far from my soul but i am healed, happy and enjoying the task of really living, fully present in this world.  smile.  i realized something else, my house is a disaster and i laugh as i write that because i realized it in that way of .. um .. this isn’t me, this disorganized, boxes and bins and piles of this and that and so it is time.  it is time to fully move into my house and make it mine and thankfully, we have coloured the walls with beauty and really its more about the stuff in the house, the stuff that never got unpacked, the stuff that we purchased during our grief binging, stuff we love that has no home save for being piled around here and there.

and so i am determined, to bring that organized junkie of myself back to the home love built and to create space for a winter of explosion and by explosion i mean i am ready to write again, paint again, sink my teeth in some artistic projects, really dig deep into myself.  i am ready for it all. the discovery, the messy, the spirit filling.  i am the kind of person that really needs to make organized space for it otherwise it won’t happen especially given the crazy busy life i lead.

in september i go to squam and then i get to photograph the streets of new york baby and then i come home and when i do, i want … no need … to come home to a space that welcomes me with wide open arms and says i am here for you to create, to live, to dream, to do.

i am having trouble contemplating the fact that july is coming to a close.  its been a riot of colour and green and sweaty running and cycling and dips in the pool.  its been twirly skirts and plucking petals off of flowers swayed in the wind as the heat makes for languid movements and bites into juicy fruit picked fresh off of the vine.

its been friends and laughter and music and sun rainbows of haze squinting across the heat rising up in coils on the black ink pavement.  laughter dancing across the water and memories of toes splayed in water’s edge dripping dreams from painted nails.

soon, i will be fleeing this province, zipping down the highway of thoughts and dreams.  what is it about summer highway driving that begs contemplation as time whizzes by in a blurr of fields of yellow swaying and an endless blue sky, summer zigs of storms and the whirr of rushing air as that one ladybug catches itself in the sunroof landing on your baby finger.  magical roadtrip.

i love to travel, everywhere and anywhere.  even driving a couple of hours out of the city has a way of taking you deep down into yourself while taking you completely outside of yourself all at the same time.  how can that not be good for our souls?  we are doing a quick trip to saskatchewan, true home to the prairies where i will get to witness love out in the open air of sky’s vastness and i am honoured yet again to be gifted with the trust to document that in a series of photographs.  this one is special because it is a friend that i met a very long time ago, here in this universe of our computers, back when i first had a photoblog that has since been relagated to the wayback machine.

she was the first person to ever send me something in the mail.  it was the cutest card and sentimental beast that i am, i still have it.  i met her for the very first time with my husband at a fun breakfast joint in vancouver, sophie’s cosmic cafe and completely fell in love with her bright smile and engaging personality.  i love people who are the real deal and she most definitely is and soon i get to see her happy face again, smiling and in love and completely following her dreams.  love that.

i have never been to saskatchewan, usually heading my car towards the mountain and coastal part of this huge country so i am looking forward to falling in love with the wide open spaces of what i know to be a beautiful piece of landscape.  i’m sure i will fill my camera with goodness before i even find my way to the destination’s stop.

excitement.  its a good way to end july i think because august is beefing up to be all about the work as i dig into processing the wedding photos and organizing and renovating the house so that when i fly out east in september, i am leaving nothing with nothing left to do but relax, make art and learn something new about myself.

Vacation at home was a blast and I have me some painted rooms, some tall sunflowers, some flower pots and a whole swack of photos. The tour de force of British Columbia’s interior was also a blast and photo productive but right now I am tired, burnt and did I mention oh so very tired. We returned home late last night and I find myself weeding through work emails and meetings on little to no sleep, red-eyed weary boned and unable to concentrate.
Side note: the wedding ring bands have been ordered and I will be married in under a month. wow!!

Long stretch … had a good hiatus, had a fantastic fabulous amazing refreshing vacation. And now I am back, sort of .. the new me has emerged from the tan lines of sun kissed warmth.
Over the next while I am going to make some design changes to this little place I somewhat call home. Posting will most likely be sparodic at best, I am so not about the pressure these days and hello life is for living and work is for working and fun is too varied. No worries, I will be posting vacation pics but haven’t gotten around to processing the thousand some odd photos that were taken over the last few weeks. Whee!

Suffice it to say that I am retaining some of my hippie vibe from the coast and enjoyed Victoria (and the amazing hospitality of Kev), Ucluelet/Tofino/Long Beach beautious, Hornby Island’s warm laid backness, the loafers and muckers of the Sunshine Coast (will explain at a later time with pictures all about the loafers and the muckers as it is great fun) and the super fun times and amazing hospitality of S and M (not what you think people, just some great friends’ initials.

My little family has gone organic and the combination of quitting smoking many months ago, the organic and flourless ways of food and the addition of exercise has left me with amazing amounts of energy and pep and wow even lost 10 pounds in the past three weeks. Who knew?

Plus I have discovered the seedy underbelly of the world of scrapbooking. I love it, a way to be artistic and showcase my photos and journal scraps in a very personal album for me and my family … its all good.

Also, Duke and I are going to be taking whitewater kayaking lessons throgh the Uni – great fun and will be a wonderful compliment to bellydancing I am thinking. So here’s to vacation, rest and relaxation, inspiration of idea and thought and loafing with the ones you love. smiles.

Tired and ready for the flourescent trap of beige cubicle walls pushing in on me to end.

The sun is shining, the sky is blue and sparkles drip down the glass buildings of downtown madness. I am really looking forward to escaping outside, Duke picking me up with the moonroof open and Ben Folds blaring out of the stereo.

I want to wander in fields of dandelions … hah! Not really given that I would most likely puff up like a balloon and wheeze myself into insomnia. My allergies are at an all time high and my asthma has me wheezing my way through my day, literally. Even with the with wonderful steroids and various inhalation concoctions that I breathe in at regular intervals, I am having problems. I can’t take a big breath without sounding like an 80 year old man with emphysema and today I have been in a perpetual state of dizzyness due to lack of oxygen. Even so, I am looking forward to getting outside … damn asthma is not going to control my life! Besides it can’t last forever … eventually I will be able to breathe like a normal person, well relatively normal.

I wonder what its like to walk through life never having to worry if you are going to be able to get enough air. When I start to have an attack, it feels like I am underwater unable to get air in except I can’t lift my head up out of the water and gulp lovely air into my lungs. It truly sucketh.
And poor Duke gets stressed and listens to my breathing at night knowing where all my puffers are and constantly ready to grab them for me and worried that I won’t get them in time.

Bah!

I forgot to bring my puffer today and am having problems, think I’ll grab a coffee … the caffiene helps.