i forgot how much i love the absence of colour, the sharp detail of a thought that lingers uncomfortably for just a minute too long.  the awkward sense of rhythm that comes from the washing away of bright memory.

you will never really know the ripples of strength that i have, the beauty that comes from being worn down, the shifting that comes from meeting pressure and challenges face forward and heart vulnerable.  i am not who you think you know because i have changed since yesterday, since last week, last month and most definitely since last year.

i have exposed the open sores to elements and surprised myself so many times that i wonder how i still manage to be startled by my thoughts.

when i was a little girl, i thought i lived by the sea, waves crashing, seaweed drifting as i picked clams from the sand.  as i grew older, i realized it was just a large lake and i put it in the bag of smallness which i eventually packed myself into as well.  and now i find myself here.  in this place of deep knowing.  that place where pieces of my heart float back and forth and memories collide and crash and meld together before being displaced and dried out on the shores.  vast and mysterious and filled with light and dreams and love and care. 

i recently opened up the tattered bag i have been carrying around and realize with a rub of my eyes that i have changed so much that i see it all so very differently and realize my entire life has been a blessing.

and as i sniff the air and let all of that beauty escape out … i know that i am ready for change.